Sunday Story: Conflict and Manipulation

Welcome back to Sunday Story! This week, we’re talking about one of the most disruptive challenges that every leader will inevitably face: conflict and manipulative behaviour. Conflict, in itself, isn’t necessarily a bad thing - indeed, it’s one of the biggest drivers of change, innovation, and better decision-making. I bet our ancient ancestors had a bit of conflict when they convinced the village to not eat all the food but instead stick some of it in the ground for next year, after all! But when conflict is driven by manipulative behaviour, it becomes toxic and represents a leadership challenge that, if not handled properly, has the potential to sink even the highest functioning teams.

This is a topic that we know a lot about at Authentik Consulting and Training. The bulk of our consulting work when we first started was teaching people how to handle conflict and manage moving from making things right using restorative justice, to educational performance management, and if all else fails, engaging in formal investigations. This work was in such high demand that we created an online course so you can learn these techniques no matter where you are. We’ve managed thousands of conflicts ranging from young people building slip-n-slides in the hallways of the 10th floor dormitory to individuals who are engaging in targeted violence against others.

Out of all of these incidents, it’s pretty clear that conflict can be either constructive or destructive. Teams that engage in healthy conflict - with clear communication, respectful disagreement, and an attitude that embodies the idea of “seek first to understand” will find that their assumptions are challenged in a healthy way. This kind of conflict fosters critical thinking and leads to stronger decisions - for example, our creative slip-n-slide friends learned a lot about how flooding one floor will have a negative impact on the folks below them, and since I saw them throughout the rest of that year, I saw how that experience increased their overall awareness of empathy and the impact of their actions on others - that’s better decision making in action!

But conflict can also be destructive. When it becomes about feeding an ego, winning a fight, being afraid to be wrong, or failure to effectively communicate, it can create a lot of stress and division and ultimately, in high conflict environments, folks tend to just give up and disengage.

The most destructive forms of conflict have manipulation at their root. Manipulation is when people use behaviours such as gaslighting - convincing you something is true when it isn’t - or guilt tripping to influence behaviour. Sometimes, they misrepresent facts to create confusion and control the outcome to one that they favour. Sound familiar?

Of course it does - and not just because of what we see on the news every day. This kind of behaviour is a common experience for everyone, and we know how disruptive it can be. Exposure to this kind of behaviour without accountability is felt deeply by others, and it erodes psychological safety - and in many jurisdictions in Canada, that means it’s a potentiation violation of your Occupational Health and Safety obligations as an employer. Dealing with manipulation isn’t just the right thing to do as a leader - it’s a legal requirement.

But the good news is that it can be dealt with. The first thing you need to do is have clear “Rules of Engagement” for how you want your team members to interact with each other. We’ve already written about a great framework to structure debate and discussion, but the most important thing is that you have clear expectations up front for who is responsible for what, how people are expected to engage in conflict, and how to ensure they enlist help if things are not resolvable. It should come as no surprise to our regular readers that at the core of these expectations are your shared values as a team or organization - our values are that which we deem most important, and they should guide our everyday decisions.

If you have a violation of your shared expectations, address it early. Allowing conflict to fester will only make it worse, and by nipping it in the bud you not only prevent it from escalating but you have a far better chance of finding a good resolution to the problem that actually builds trust rather than harm it.

Finally make sure you always adopt a “Seek first to understand” attitude - approach any conflict or manipulative behaviour with curiosity. Something our experience has taught us is that people use the techniques that work for them, often without giving it much reflection or thought. In other words, a person might be engaging in manipulative behaviour and not even realize that what they are doing is wrong. It’s just always what’s worked for them so they keep using it. By seeking first to understand, you can help that person realize why what they are doing is harmful.

There’s a lot more to learn about this - which is why we are super excited to be bringing our in-person training events to Edmonton, Alberta on May 26th and 27th. We are offering a “Managing Manipulation” session (a repeat of the session we did in 2024), both in the morning and in the afternoon of the 26th, so you can pick the session that works best for your schedule. The next day, we’re offering a full-day Conflict Resolution course so you can take the stress out of conflict leadership. Each session is going for an introductory price of $300, with an early bird special if you buy your tickets next week during our launch window (tickets on sale Monday!). Alternatively, you can maximize your learning by registering for both sessions for only $500. Our training is incredibly highly regarded - with 95% or more positive responses - and it’s been described as “life changing” by our attendees. Come join us and find out why!

Why are these folks waving shoes over their heads? Come to our training session to find out!

Conflict is inevitable, but manipulation is not. Strong leaders don’t shy away from tough conversations, nor do they allow manipulative tactics to dictate the culture of their teams. Instead, they foster environments where disagreement can be productive, accountability is expected, and trust is protected. Healthy conflict is a sign of growth, but manipulation is a signal that something needs to change. Managing it the right way and leading your people through it is the best way to take this disruptive force and use it to transform how your team deals with conflict, collaboration, and ultimately the culture of your organization.

Thanks for reading, and we'll see you next Sunday.