Sunday Story: Managing Manipulators

Welcome back to Sunday Stories. This week, we travelled back to Edmonton for about 24 hours to help deliver a session on managing manipulators, and that’s what we’re going to write about today. We’ve also been incredibly busy keeping up with these drone incursions throughout the US and the UK, and plan to launch an updated briefing note on this topic in the next few days to help you make sense of the headlines. That’s the thing when you’re a leadership firm that focuses on disruption - from isolated individual behaviour to big newsworthy system failures, and from child care professionals in Edmonton to elected representatives in Ottawa and most things in between - we go and help leaders thrive wherever and however the disruptors show up, and they are showing up a lot these days!

Longtime friends and colleagues, Chris and Craig got some wonderful humans to participate in the shoe trick that you see in many places on our website. What is the shoe trick? You'll have to hire us to find out!

People manipulate others all the time - but it can be incredibly toxic and disruptive to a leader if they don’t have the tools to manage manipulators when they present themselves. So what exactly is manipulation? Usually this word brings up a lot of negative associations, but most folks don’t really intentionally think about what manipulation actually is. And once they start doing so, they often discover two uncomfortable truths: Everyone is a bit manipulative (and some, not just a bit but a lot!); and it’s really hard to tell the difference between good intentioned behaviours of leaders or managers, and ill-intentioned manipulators in the moment of interaction.

At its core, manipulation is using power to get other people to do what you want them to do.

You know what else can be defined that way?

Leadership. Leadership is using power to get other people to do what you want them to do.

That’s a sticky wicket, isn’t it? What’s the difference between leadership and manipulation? We feel pretty good about leadership, right? But we typically feel pretty badly towards manipulation, so they are different - but how?

In truth, the difference between the two is often less about the actual behaviour itself that a person is engaging in, and more often is about the context and reasons behind it. In many cases, the approaches, tools, and behaviours used by manipulators are also used by leaders - because they work really well at getting people to do what you need them to do.

So how do you tell the difference between leadership and manipulation? Generally speaking, the difference is often related to why a person is using the tools of convincing others to do what they want.

Does the thing being done only benefit yourself? Does it cost the other person anything, like their wellbeing, autonomy, or security?

Or does it benefit your community or a higher mission? Is it something that is actually (truly) good for the person you are convincing, like when you promise a toy to your toddler in exchange for eating all his veggies - a really common example of manipulation that all parents can probably related to!

Often, the actual methods look really similar, so these deeper questions are required to know what’s going on. The example we used is Superman - if he used his laser vision and power of flight to rob banks, we probably wouldn’t consider him a superhero. We’d call him a supervillain instead, because even though he’s using the same tools, he’s using them for evil instead of good. Manipulation and Leadership are a bit like that - the tools are pretty similar, but the way you use them (and why) make all the difference in the world.

We covered a lot of content in our half-day workshop in Edmonton, and this Sunday Story is just the tip of the iceberg of this session, so I’ll cap it off by sharing a story of manipulation in action and why this training is beneficial. The benefit of receiving training on managing manipulators is really clear - when you know and are aware that you are being manipulated, you can very easily short-circuit the emotional reaction you might normally be having to the manipulation, and by short-circuiting it, you render it ineffective against you. That gives you the power to respond to the manipulator themself, rather than react to their manipulation - and a reaction is exactly what they want. By not giving them that, you retain control of the situation and can proof yourself against the manipulators.

This came in handy way back in 2012. There had been a violent incident on campus - a shooting in one of our residence halls related to an armoured car crew - and I was one of the first folks on scene to help manage the issue. Police responded and, since it was an active crime scene, we were asked to secure the residence hall so they could do their work. That meant part of my job was to stand at one of the doors to the building and ensure nobody gained unauthorized access.

This was a big story, and was attracting a lot of media attention, and this is when I got to see manipulation in action in a very big way. One individual was really keen on getting inside the building - they wanted the scoop for the media company they worked for - and they approached the door that me and another colleague were responsible for securing. This lady initially tried playing her positional authority as a journalist and stated she had the right to enter the building. Since I got my instructions directly form the police that day, and they specifically said no press allowed until they cleared the crime scene, it was fairly easy for me to say “I’m sorry ma’am, but my instructions are to not let anyone in”.

Then she switched to a different approach, and that’s when I first noticed she was trying to manipulate us. It seemed incredibly strange to me that she would start by declaring her rights to access, but when that was denied, she immediately switched to compliments and kindness to me and my coworker; it was like we were suddenly talking to a different person, and more than realizing it rationally, it felt off to me. We continued to deny this person access, and then they switched again - this time, instead of being friendly, they attempted to guilt us into providing them access. They went through several manipulative tactics to try to gain access, but with the awareness of what they were trying to do, it was easy to ignore their methods and stick to the expectation that had been set with no access. When she realized she wasn’t getting anywhere, she returned to her news van - and then asked the Cameraman to try to gain access in the same way (it didn’t work for him, either).

The key takeaway here is that once you are aware that a person is trying to manipulate you, you take away the power of their manipulation. By parking your normal emotional response - which is what the manipulator is typically looking for - you give yourself the freedom to give a more neutral or at least intentional response, further invalidating the manipulators power.

This and many other techniques were taught in our workshop. Disruptors come in all shapes and sizes, from drones in the sky to manipulative people in your workplace or team, and we’ve got the knowledge and skills to help you lead through it. These skills are incredible valuable to leaders of all kinds, and last week’s clients seemed to agree - we hit 100% positive responses from every attendee on our post-event assessment. Stay tuned for more on this topic, including training and workshops, in the new year.

Next week, we’ll be celebrating the holidays with our final story before taking a break until the New Year. In the meantime, don’t hesitate to follow us on Instagram, LinkedIn, or Twitter/X where we will keep you informed and prepared to deal with disruptors of all kinds and make them transformations instead. Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you next Sunday.