Sunday Story: The Key Questions for Spotting Manipulation

Some people resolve conflict. Others profit from it. Our upcoming events will help you spot manipulation before it gets carried away and give you the skills you need to tackle these challenges, and we encourage you to sign up before spaces run out - but this isn’t the kind of conflict entrepreneurs we’re talking about. This Sunday Story is all about how our systems and structures tend to reward manipulative behaviour, which is a foundational reason why people engage in it, and what we can do about it.

From politics to social media to advertising, the world is full of messages telling you what to believe and how to believe it. For anyone watching US Politics lately, especially the debacle around the use of Signal to discuss classified information, the Narcissists Prayer likely resonates:

That didn’t happen.

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

And if it was, that’s not a big deal.

And if it is, it’s not my fault.

And if it was, I didn’t mean it.

And if I did…

You deserved it.

This poem encapsulates the mindset of a manipulative person, and it seems manipulation is the name of the game these days. It’s not just politics - In the world of marketing and advertising, we are bombarded with messages making us feel like we aren’t good enough, but lucky for us, spending a few bucks on a given product will, according to the manufacturer of said product, make those failures disappear.

We are constantly surrounded by manipulative messages - communication that is intended to make us feel, think, or act in a certain way, and often that certain way is directly contrary to how we’d act in the absence of that information. And, it’s not just the active misinformation that we are presented with - whether that’s how much more women will like you with the new car or the instruction to deny the evidence of your eyes when it comes to the behaviours of those in positions of leadership - it’s the subtle and common ways in which information is filtered to us (or away from us) in ways to shape our opinions. Noam Chomsky described it well in Manufacturing Consent - we know that what is on the news has a profound influence on what we believe to be true about the world around us, but what is also true is that what is left out of the news is equally manipulative.

What we’re talking about here isn’t manipulative people - which our training is going to teach you all about managing - but instead manipulative systems. The world is chock full of systems designed to manipulate us, and it can be really hard to tell what is worth listening to and responding to, and what is worth disregarding. Thankfully, there are two ways of figuring out when you are being manipulated, either by a system or by a person. The first is by exploring “Who benefits” and the second is by identifying the alignment between their position and their interests.

Who Benefits?

This question speaks to an uncomfortable truth about manipulation. The skills, tools, and techniques used by manipulators are often the exact same as the skills, tools, and techniques used by good people in leadership positions. Remember, leadership is all about bringing people together and getting them to work towards a goal in some kind of harmony - but this means often getting people to do things they wouldn’t naturally do on their own. Manipulation is also about getting people to do things that they wouldn’t necessarily do on their own. That’s why the “Who Benefits?” Question is so important often it’s the only way to tell the difference between manipulation and someone who is stepping into a leadership role with you.

For example, the doctor telling you that you need to eat healthy, exercise, and manage stress is a conversation many of us have with our healthcare providers. Is this manipulative? Maybe, but who benefits - is the doctor earning more by giving you that advice? Are they extending their lives? Are they enhancing their social status somehow? Not really, no - the person who benefits from being told this information is usually the patient.

But if we change that a bit, and let’s say the Doctor is telling you that you need to eat healthy, exercise, and manage stress - and for just $150 a month, they have a pill they can prescribe you to help with those things, and maybe like the Opiate crisis they are getting a kickback for the prescription of those drugs - that’s a different thing, and that’s manipulation.

It’s not always easy or obvious to tell who is benefitting from a given piece of information, and in many cases you have to trust your gut instinct. But, the value of the question “who benefits?” can help you divine out whose interests the manipulator/leader has at heart. If the person or people who benefit most are others, then odds are good this is a leadership function. But if the person or people benefiting most are the people doing the behaviour themselves, then you can sup carefully with a long spoon because odds are good these folks are manipulating you.

Positions vs Interests

The other helpful way to discern when someone is engaging in manipulation is to identify what gap exists between their positions and their interests. A position is something publicly stated - “I believe X to be true”. An interest is what underlies that public statement - “I believe X to be true, and that’s because I will gain Y if others believe it too”.

Let’s break this down using one of my favourite examples: A toddler who doesn’t want to go to bed. We’ve all been there - sometimes as the toddler, sometimes as the parent - where there’s a lot of mussing and fussing as we get ready for bed, and then when everyone is tucked in, the toddler says: “I’m Thirsty”. That’s the Toddler’s position.

Now, is that toddler actually thirsty? Or, is it more likely that they just don’t want to go to bed? THAT - the desire to not go to bed - may well be their underlying interest.

The thing is, the first time the Toddler says they are thirsty, you may well interpret it as a real “I’m thirsty”. And then if the toddler ends up going to bed with no further muss and fuss after being provided a drink, then odds are good they were telling you the truth - their position and their interest aligned. But, if after getting some water, the toddler continues to muss and fuss, then you can be reasonably certain there is a gap between their position and their interest, and that gap breeds mistrust to the point where the next time they say they are thirsty, you are a lot less likely to believe them. That’s because you know the “I’m Thirsty” is a form of manipulation.

To be clear, you shouldn’t withhold the necessities of life from toddlers. If they are thirsty, give them the water. But the example illustrates how a gap between positions and interests can often be an indication of manipulation.

Application to Systems

Let’s go back and apply this idea to our systems of politics or news media. The news - whatever channel you look at - will often have talking heads telling you how much they value the truth, journalism, and getting you the facts so you know what’s going on in your community. That’s their position. But what is that system’s interest?

Remember traditional media is, for the most part, a capitalistic business, which means like all businesses its underlying interest is actually shareholder profit. It doesn’t matter how much truth or mistruths they tell - what matters is you watch the screen, because that way you are also watching the commercials and advertisements, which is what funds the shareholder profit. This is a massive gap between position and interests, isn’t it? That’s a red flag for manipulation.

Now to the second question - who benefits? This is an easy line of inquiry to fall into conspiratorial thinking on, because actually taking stock of who benefits from a given news story (or the absence of coverage of a given news story) can be murky at best, as our systems are complex with a lot of players. But, as an example, it does seem that some version of corporate benefit is derived from the excessive corporate ownership of our media companies - such as this study which suggested that when Newscorp took over the Wall Street Journal, it’s reporting changed to be more critical of Newscorp’s competitors. That doesn’t sound like an organization who’s focused on the truth to your benefit, does it? So even though the benefit may not be clear, it does suggest that the person or people doing the behaviour in this example are benefitting the most, rather than this happening for the benefits of others.

Conclusion

It’s important to understand these concepts of manipulation and how to spot it. It manifests in individuals, but also in broader global contexts and systems. The reason there’s value in understanding this for leaders is twofold:

1) First, it’s good for your own leadership to understand how to spot manipulation; it can prevent you from aligning yourself with forces that are not truly authentically good for you and those you lead; we believe you have a responsibility to do what’s right for those who trust your leadership, and falling victim to manipulation (which can sometimes be impossible to avoid, as manipulation can be very sophisticated) means you risk having lead your people astray.

2) Second, this awareness can serve as a compass for you to avoid conflicts of interest and false leadership. If you are in a position where, as a leader, you cannot have alignment between your stated position and your underlying interest, that can be a good flag on the play for you to pause and interrogate why. Doing this regularly will be the death of your leadership credibility; doing the opposite (ensuring alignment between positions and interests) will help gain the trust of those you lead. And if your answer to “Who benefits?” Is “Myself”, then that can be another flag on the play for your leadership. Self-interest is almost never in the best interests of longterm leadership credibility, because a core part of leadership is putting others first - not to the point of harm to self, but certainly sacrificing benefit in favour of others benefiting is a hallmark of good leadership.

In today’s system, we are surrounded by individuals, organizations, and systems that don’t seem to be serving us. Many of them are manipulative. The more people who can identify the hallmarks of manipulation using the two key messages from this Sunday Story, the better of we will all be at ensuring we are following quality leaders engaging in honest, authentic leadership.

Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you next Sunday.